Danger: Curves ahead, clothes in restricted area

Yesterday I tried on some wool winter coats at Kohl's, and was sadly disappointed. Why? None of them would fit me and flatter me. I am short, with small shoulders, fairly big boobs and a small waist. If the coat fit in the shoulders, it wouldn't fit around my chest, and vice-versa. They do not make clothing for women that have breasts! I forgot about this, since it's been a long time since I have gone shopping for a more fitted winter coat. It's stupid of me, really. I don't buy button-down blouses or for the same reason, and most dresses and certain kinds of tops are off limits. I'd really need to go to a tailor and do a lot of alterations or start from scratch, which is what the more famous big-boobed women like Angelina Jolie must do. However, I don't have that kind of money. Too bad, because I like cute coats like this one.

I've been thinking about female models lately, and the fit of clothing. A lot of people have been, after this Photoshop of horrors courtesy of Ralph Lauren. It's no secret that models have gotten smaller and so have the clothes, while the rest of the country gets fatter from oversized portions, high-fructose corn syrup and cheap fast food. What people blame first is usually a bias towards thin people in the fashion industry, or a trend started by Kate Moss that never died. While this bias exists, I suspect that this all started to save money. The standard size 8 that used to be sent to photo shoots and runways is now something like a zero to four. Less fabric! It may not be much, but it adds up. Especially for couture gowns, with details such as beading. Fabric costs money, and can cost time too. Anyone who does knitting or crochet like I do knows that. That's my theory: the fashion industry is cheap and greedy. They're sending out the cheapest samples they can get away with.

It's strange that while fashion designers make clothes for skinny, flat-chested models, Hollywood tells us that a desirable woman has a skinny body and a large chest. Increasingly, a nice round butt too. Most women are not built this way, so they have to get plastic surgery. I would almost be built this way if my stomach were flatter and I lost 10 or 15 pounds. I say almost because when I lose weight, I lose it from my chest first. Oh, that ticks me off! The one place that I WANT fat to be! Recently I have lost weight, and my reward has been that I fit into my older bras and tops. My belly I and butt just stay the same. Man that sucks!

I'm okay with my body as-is though, and I've watched enough episodes of What Not To Wear to know that we can all look good at any size, and it's the clothes that are the problem, not me. Shopping is work! You have to try things on! It's all about fit! Hire a tailor! Thanks, Stacy and Clinton.

I'm taking my mind away from getting a structured coat, it exhausts me thinking about it now. It's just not practical, especially considering I like to layer clothing in this cold tundra. I'm thinking about getting a thick wool sweater coat now, and I'll continue wearing my fake fur coat from Newport News for the really cold days. I look like a furry bear in it, but hey, it's Minnesota - nobody cares about fashion at -30 F.

I'd like to get one of those heavy wool cabled cream colored sweaters like the fishermen wear on the east coast in the movies. Accessories made from qiviut would be awesome too. Qiviut is from the underwool of the Arctic Musk Ox, and is 8 times warmer than wool, very lightweight and softer than cashmere. It's also very expensive and rare. There's a farm in Alaska where people gather the molts from the Musk Ox, so the animals are completely undisturbed. My parents saw some for sale when they visited Alaska. A 2 ounce skein of yarn is $80. My mom said it was so soft and light...oh, those lucky Musk Ox! What lovely belly fur they have.

Here are some sweaters that pretend to be coats:

Double-breasted shawl cardigan from The Gap (how is this a shawl?!), also available in gray and petite, $59.50. 45% acrylic, nylon 45% angora 10%. Probably not that warm, but it does look like a regular coat, only it is more pliable.

Heritage double-breasted cardigan,100% wool, $175 from Banana Republic.

Rachel Rachel Roy sweater coat, double breasted, 100% Merino wool, Macy's, $109.

Covington Sport mixed stitch sweater jacket,  other colors available, $19.95 at Sears.

Victoria's Secret Bouclé peplum cardigan sweater, acrylic/nylon/wool/Lycra spandex, many colors available, $39.

The frozen tundra does not wait

It is freezing here in Minnesota, but the stores are not reflecting this harsh reality. Online and at the mall, the outerwear is still very much stuck in fall. Makes sense, since winter doesn't officially start until somewhere in December, but nobody told that to the arctic cold fronts swooping down from the far north. I need a new warm coat, but am not finding exactly what I want. So I am waiting. Watching. Stalking my prey, like a cat. Like one of those hairless Dr. Evil looking cats, because IT'S ONLY OCTOBER AND I AM FREEZING!

Ahem. I am finding some beautiful jackets and coats in the meantime. Unfortunately, I can't afford to buy them. I can still look at them though, and share them with you. Jackets and coats...what's the difference between a jacket and a coat? They seem to overlap, and I think this is just a scam they use online to get you to look at more jackets and coats. There's no difference that I can see. 

The oracle (aka Google) tells me that a jacket is a short coat usually extending to the hips. A coat is a sleeved outer garment extending from the shoulders to the waist or below. Wait a minute. So a coat could be a jacket too if it's not long? Now I think the poor definition of either garment just gives stores a perfect opportunity to confuse us into buying more outerwear!

Now that I've established that conspiracy theory, lets move on to the coat and jacket porn:

This cardigan sweater jacket/coat thingy has those awesome sleeves that I love. The thinner arms are longer though, so rather than gigot I think these are called Juliette sleeves. Sounds fancy, huh? You can learn all about sleeves here at Wikipedia. This faux-fur trimmed cardigan has a great belt to make your waist look thin, a lovely gray color that will make you look sophisticated, and a faux-fur collar that will make you look like a movie star (or an animal killer - you can actually buy a faux not fur lapel pin so people will know you're not!). It's from Juicy Couture and retails for $280.

How cute is this? Military double-breasted coat with purple lining and cuffs. 90% Virgin Wool, 10% cashmere. Lining 60% acetate, 40% viscose.  Sonia by Sonia Rykiel, retails for $755.

I love almost all of the outerwear at Modcloth. Here are some favorites:

West End Girls Coat (great, now I have that Pet Shop Boys song in my head!). So cute, $217.99. If only an East End Boy came with it.

Anna Von Diederitz coat, faux fur collar, $83.99. It is also available in white. One thing that bothers me about Modcloth is that they usually don't list the type of fabrics used. Is it wool? Cotton? Polyester? Who knows. It's adorable though. I've never actually purchased from Modcloth, but I'm sure they'd be happy to give those details upon request. I just prefer those details up front, ya know? It's important to me what something is made of, especially when it comes to outerwear. Moving on...

Five Alarm Coat, $64.99.  I love, love, love red coats. I says look at me, I'm the life of the party, the heartbeat of this cold gray day! It says I'm not dead! I'm representing humanity, the heart of cold suburbia! I watch way too many movies with representative color, which have now has become a cliche, thanks a lot M. Night Shyamalan!

Yellow has that effect too. Modcloth knows it, they call this the When Life Gives You Lemons coat. $129.99. It has a satin lining, it looks soft, could be wool, could be cotton, who knows? Grr. It's by BB Dakota.

One more from Modcloth:

This Madison Jacket is so classic and classy. Love the belt, the single breasted simplicity, the seaming. Orchid purple satin lining, made by Tulle, $107.99.

I love gray and I love yellow, but I have not loved them together...until now.

Valentino Roma full-length jacket from Yoox. Satin, two pockets, snap close, lined interior. $790. If this were styled badly, it could go into bathrobe territory really quick.

Stella McCartney Tufted Wool Coat, $8,845. It does have a rather Muppet like appearance, but it must feel fabulous to wear. It's tufted wool and silk - mostly wool, it's only 5% silk (that's not including the lining). It looks like the wool was looped into the base fabric of the coat shaped, and then either felted with a washing machine or with a carder. I crochet and have knitted (I don't like knitting, too difficult). I'm curious if I could make a scarf or hat like this? Hm. Anyway, pretty pricy, but it is coat porn! It does look like it was a lot of work to make. Not THAT much, but...

Here's something you can maybe afford - Takeout Sherpa-Lined Hooded Sweater Coat from Kohl's, on sale for $27.99.  If you order today, shipping is only 99 cents per item! This sweater coat comes in 5 different colors. I just noticed this is Juniors size. If you're like me, you can squeeze into the larger sizes. although this looks like it might be a little narrow for my knockers. There are a lot of cute cardigan sweaters on sale now at Kohl's in Women's sizes.

This coat from Kohl's is close to what I had in mind to get for winter. Croft and Barrow Hooded Wool Coat, on sale for $108.00, women's sizes S-XL. Kohl's has other nice women's coats and cute plus-sized coats too.

Effortless Velvet Coat from Boden, $218. Comes in 6 colors, but she wore blue velvet, bluer than velvet was the niiiight....